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No. Not the kind of waiter you would expect to find in a restaurant. But rather a person who waits. My shrink was pointing out to me yesterday that this seems to be one of my own personal brand of expert skills. Learned and shaped through a lifetime of waiting. Waiting for my mom. Waiting for my dad. Waiting for my alcoholic ex-husband to come home after long nights of drinking and debauchery. Waiting for my current husband to finish off all of his other priorities and find some time for me. Waiting for my ex-lover Narc to come back to me after every blow up fight where he would disappear to 'regroup', (now to be understood as going off to fuck other women). Waiting is probably most about waiting for my dad to emerge from his cave. His artist's studio where he would paint for hours at a time, cleverly escaping my mom's bullying in there. It was a no-go area for us kids. He wanted to paint alone. And we were never allowed to see his magnificent oil paintings until they were finished. That often took months. I used to sneak into that studio when he wasn't around. And dip one of his paintbrushes into the paint, and dot a few colours onto each and every painting. Don't know why I did that. He never said anything if he actually noticed. But I would look at those paintings in their prohibited unfinished state and long for my dad. This longing, waiting feeling is such an old familiar one. I didn't realise that not everyone feels it. It seems to be a creation of my own particular circumstance. To love seems to be 'to long' for me. I am unable to remove the object of my longing from my mind and heart so I can wholeheartedly focus on my other commitments. Instead I carry it like a heavy stone that sits between my heart and my throat all the time. And it feels like a barrel of unshed tears just travelling inside me. So here I am, waiting again. For Red. Shrink says she doesn't want to see me waiting again for anyone. That the danger in my waiting is the red flag that I'm going there again - once again attracted into a dynamic that is so destructive for me. Where my needs and desires need to be put on hold while the man I desire gets the time and space to do whatever he thinks he needs to make his life work. I know that a lot of this waiting phase is of my own making. I could have just taken Red's first assertion that he needs to be alone to deal his separation and letting me go on WhatsApp as the final word. I didn't. I fought for the connection. I asked for a conversation, even if it's just going to be a conversation of closure. So I have managed myself into this painful and old, familiar place while I wait it out. Familiar, sore, dangerous place for me. Shrink says I have always fought for the connection. Always had to sit patiently while the person I need love from does their own thing, oblivious to the internal pain I experience while I wait.. She wants me to stop fighting. To be able to find it in myself to walk away if the other person does not see fit to fight. So I'm going to practice that with Red. While I wait I'm playing with my other AM boys, connecting with girlfriends, setting up things that will soothe and nurture me. Berlin has asked me out for drinks on Friday night. And instead of me making it tentative in case Red wants to see me then, I've just said Ýes'. And another AM guy is coming to Joburg today and I may meet him for drinks. And yet another wants to see me when I get to Cape Town on Sunday. I'm just going to say 'Yes' to them all. See them. Enjoy connecting with them. Not cheat on Red in any way with them, and be clear with them that I'm not ready to go 'further' with them. But leave my options open. Red has until Sunday to do something properly to fight for us. He needs to call like he promised. He needs to try and see me. If he doesn't, I'm walking away. Because I need to get bad at waiting.
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I'm...........
15 Inspirational Quotes To Get You Through The Week
Sharing the best funny quotes with friends is a sure way to brighten both of your days.
‘Was ik maar zo creatief’ of ‘Waar haal jij je inspiratie vandaan?’ zijn dingen die ik vaak om me heen hoor of lees. Iedereen heeft een fase gehad (of misschien heb je die nog steeds) waarin je op zoek bent naar jouw creativiteit. Naar jouw ‘ding’ om het zo maar even te noemen. Waar ben je goed in? Welke studierichting moet je straks kiezen? En als je eenmaal klaar bent met je studie, welke baan past dan het beste bij jou? Vroeger zei ik altijd; ‘ik ben nergens echt goed in’ en ‘ik blink nergens in uit’. In feite was…
"Finally, let the Lord make you strong. Depend on his mighty power." Ephesians 6:10 (at Forest Park, Illinois)
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How is your morning wild Bill? And everyone else? :)
Crossfit Steelhead workout of the day.
Hi there! If you tried it once... you're hooked. But in a good way. I promise :) That's foil. On cards. Just like heat embossing, there...
A good laugh and a long sleep are the two best cures for anything. — Irish Proverb
Stencil measures 12" x 24" (actual image measures 10" x 22") *click here to learn more about the difference between 'STENCIL' vs. 'IMAGE' size Our stencils are laser cut from quality mylar plastic. They are flexible, durable and re-usable. The sample photo represents a finished project with bridges filled in. It is not a photo of the actual stencil. Our stencils are cut with bridges thoughtfully built into the design. See our FAQS page for more info. Need a DIFFERENT SIZE than shown? Not a problem! Just contact us and we can work together on your project!
Today is a good day to kick off March Madness! Well since it's March first and all. I promised to share 31 thrifty makeovers in 31 days, and I am up for the challenge! I hope you'll stick around and follow along with me! To start things off, I am sharing this dough board I picked
Quotes That Will Make You SmileI love quotes. Quotes can motivate you, inspire you, and make you smile. Below are some of my favorite happiness quotes. Happiness quotes-"Nothing you wear is more important than your smile." Connie Stevens"Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been,""Keep smiling. It makes people wonder what you are up to.""If you want happiness for an hour-take a nap. If you want happiness for a day-go fishing. If you want happiness for a year-inherit a fortune.
This is a brand new stencil Laser cut from commercial grade Clear or Blue 7 mil Mylar that can be used and cleaned over and over again. It measures 12" x 18" with the actual image measuring 10" x 16". Colors in the picture are for sample. The actual stencil is clear or transparent blue and has bridges in the letters. All of our stencils can be used for any type of crafts, wood, fabric, paper, tattoos, glass or wall art. We also do Custom Stencils. Feel free to contact us at anytime with any questions you have or for a price quote. Payment is due upon ordering. If you are buying something else or need more time, no problem. Just contact me and let us know. We are willing to work with you. We ship fast! Usually within one business day after payment has been received. In most cases we can ship the day of payment if it's received early enough in the day. All stencils ship FREE to the U.S. no matter how many you buy! Thanks so much for your business!! Check back often because we will be adding new stencils daily. Thanks! Oakland Stencil
This is a brand new stencil Laser cut from commercial grade Clear or Blue 7 mil Mylar that can be used and cleaned over and over again. It measures 12" x 18" with the actual image measuring 10" x 16". Colors in the picture are for sample. The actual stencil is clear or transparent blue and has bridges in the letters. All of our stencils can be used for any type of crafts, wood, fabric, paper, tattoos, glass or wall art. We also do Custom Stencils. Feel free to contact us at anytime with any questions you have or for a price quote. Payment is due upon ordering. If you are buying something else or need more time, no problem. Just contact me and let us know. We are willing to work with you. We ship fast! Usually within one business day after payment has been received. In most cases we can ship the day of payment if it's received early enough in the day. All stencils ship FREE to the U.S. no matter how many you buy! Thanks so much for your business!! Check back often because we will be adding new stencils daily. Thanks! Oakland Stencil
You know it's hard to love yourself some days. Even those who claim to be full of self confidence and self love have their down days too. They do. I know when I
