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Michael McIntyre On Christmas | Michael makes everything so funny! | By British Stand Up Comedy FansFacebook
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859K views · 1.3K comments | Black Dad, Korean Mom, White Wife | Michael Yo | I Never Thought | Michael talks about reflecting on his family during the time he was in the hospital with Coronavirus. 🎥: Michael Yo, 'I Never Thought' Go watch the... | By 800 Pound Gorilla Media | When you debate your life, when you go back and forth in your life, you don't know if you're gonna live or die, you realize a lot of things, great things that happened in your life and terrible things that happened in your life, and one thing that stood out to me is my parents never told me they loved me till I was 29 years old. And it really messed with me in a hospital, right? So before I get into that story, I gotta tell you about my parents. If you haven't seen my last special, my dad is Black, born and raised in Louisiana, has a PhD in nuclear physics and served our country in the Army, people Right Now, in the last special, he was 75. Now, he's 78, and he hasn't changed. He's still Black and has swag. He still walks around the house like this, you know what I mean? And he's always laughing like, Heh, heh, hyah, hyah, hyah, hyah, hyah. And always pointing at random shit that's not there. Did a hyah, hyah, hyah, hyah, hyah, hyah. Now, my mom, she was born and raised in Korea, south side. Now we know who doesn't watch the news in this room. I said it in my last special, Blasian. It's tough having an Asian mom 'cause if they think it, they say it. They have no filter. My mom just turned 70, and now all bets are off. She does not care. I never thought my mom could be worse. My mom won't even say people's names to me anymore 'cause she would rather describe them to me. She calls me the other day and goes, You know what? I like your friend; he nice. I go, Which one? She goes, Fat boy, small feet. But I knew exactly who she was talking about because with my mom, my mom will say things to make you mad. She will say things that make you wanna fight. But my mom feels, really feels, that she can say anything to anybody 'cause it's the true. Oh, you don't like true? Why you mad? It's the true. Do I lie? Do I lie? My mom got in a fight with my wife. - Oh. - Now, full transparency, my wife cooks, like, once every couple of you know, once a, once. So my mom walks into our new house and goes, Oh, what a beautiful kitchen for no cooking. But, mom, you can't say that in my house, nuh-uh, not to my wife. She goes, Why? It's a true, it's a true. You don't like true? And then to me and my wife, she goes, Do I lie? Do I lie? I look at my dad for help. He's like, Walk away, son, walk away. Heh, heh, heh, heh. My wife, she's white. Woo, it got quiet, okay. But my wife is just not white. She white-white. Now, I know a lot of people in here are white, and you're questioning yourselves right now going, Am I white-white? No. My wife is whiter than you. My wife is from Gillette, Wyoming white. You hear that? When white people into me like, Damn. That's white. But we got a beautiful family, man; we got two kids. My son is now five, my daughter's two, and they're Black, white, and Asian. That's right, that's right. We gave birth to pandas. We call 'em Ling Ling and Sing Sing. In my last special, I talked about this when my son was born 'cause I didn't have a daughter at that time when my son was born, and the doctor handed me my son. It's crazy as a father 'cause I knew I would die for him, right, and I don't even know this dude. He could be a terrible human being, but I would die for him, you know? But when they handed me my daughter, oh, it was different. I was like, Oh, okay, okay. I would kill for you. I became a murderer overnight 'cause the family dynamic to me is crazy, like I would die for my son, I would kill for my daughter, but here's what's crazy. I wouldn't kill for my wife 'cause that's not my job. That's her father's job. I don't wanna step on anybody's toes. Because I love both of my kids the same. But the love is in different directions. My son, I want him to be able to take care of himself, be strong, but I know for the rest of my life, I'm going to protect my daughter 100%. And what's the biggest threat to women? - Men. - Look at that, men. So now I hate all men. I became a lesbian activist overnight slash murderer. I'm Ellen DeGeneres with a gun. Because every man's a threat to my daughter. Every single man eventually will be a threat to my daughter. I hate my son. Sometimes I hate my son, why? 'Cause he's a threat to my daughter. We all have baby cams. I'm watching my kids play. My daughter's playing with her little toy. My son walks over and grabs the toy from her. I get so angry, but then, my daughter grabs it back, and I'm like, Yeah, that's my baby girl. Right? Don't take no man's crap. But then, my son looks around to see if anybody's watching starts backing up where she is, and he hits her with his butt, and she falls to the ground and starts crying. I get so angry inside. I'm so mad; I wanna fuck this little dude up, right? But I can't; he's only five, and it's not a fair fight. It's not a fair fight. All I can do is scream and like, Hey, you better stop that, and he runs off. But my daughter could hit my son with a brick in the face. I be like, Hey, girl, good job, good job. Because a daughter makes you a better man. 100%, 100%. It makes you more empathetic. You care about people; you get sensitive. I cry all the time now. All the time; I don't even know why. My wife looks at me in disgust, I cry so much. She's like, Why are you crying? I'm like . I've never seen my dad cry once, but I cry all the time, and then it hit me. Every generation, a father gets softer and softer and softer. It means things are getting easier. My Black grandfather was born in 1902 in America. Went through injustices you couldn't even imagine. My dad went through segregation, still got a PhD in nuclear physics, and had to march, had to march just to drink outta the same water fountains as everybody else. - Woo. - That's right. Me? I would never drink out of a fountain. That shit's disgusting. But my dad, man, I can't take him to the park 'cause he has to drink outta every freaking fountain. I'm like, You fought for this? He's like, Sh, I deserve this, son, I deserve it. I tell you, man. I'm going on six years of marriage, man. My parents, though, they just celebrated 48 years of marriage. That's something to clap about. So I asked my dad, I said, Hey, man, you've been married 48 years. How'd you do it? How do you stay married that long? My dad looks at me and goes, That's simple, son. Never say the first or second thing that pops into your head. You always say the third. I go, What's that mean? He goes, Well, the first thing, you will get a divorce. The second thing, you on the couch. But the third thing, happily ever after. I'm six years in, I don't get it. Till about a month ago. Me and my wife are driving to Vegas. She packs a cooler of food for our two-year-old daughter. We get to Vegas, my wife opens up the cooler and goes, Oh, my God, the food all melted. I look in the cooler and notice she didn't put any ice in it. You. I manned up though, you know. Hey, baby, you didn't put any ice in the cooler. My wife looks at me and goes, You don't need to put ice in a cooler; it's a cooler, duh. Now, the first thing I thought was that's the dumbest shit I ever heard in my life. But I didn't say the first thing. I didn't say the second thing. I said the third thing. I said, Baby, I can't believe this cooler is broken.

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