Christmas 2015 was certainly nothing like any Christmas past. Not even a flake of snow this year. And for many other reasons, it just didn’t feel like Christmas to me. I would be celebrating Christmas alone this year. My children would be with their dads and not with me. So rather than sit around my home feeling sad or stuffing my face with Chinese food (that I would inevitably regret adding to the already few pounds of “winter weight” I’ve gained), I gave myself a gift. A trip to the mountains! I decided to give myself this present a week before Christmas. I tried to convince myself that Christmas was just another day and I deserved to do something for myself. I always love the feeling I have when I decide what mountain I am hiking, what trail I am taking, and when I’m hiking. The excitement leading up to “hiking day” is a driving force that nothing can break. I could have a flat tire, a crazy work day, a bad hair day, it wouldn’t matter. The only thing that matters to me is that I would be hiking in the mountains again soon. Shopping the day before for water, Gatorade, ibuprofen, snacks, laying out all of my gear and packing my backpack has always been the most fun part. It is so satisfying to see my backpack sitting next to the door just waiting for morning. Every.Single.Time. It.Makes.Me.Smile. Christmas Day was going to be no exception!  And so Christmas Eve it began. The shopping, the gathering of all of my gear, packing my backpack. You couldn't wipe the grin from my face with a brillo pad! I had decided to hike The Kinsmans and if time and energy allowed, I would add Cannon Mountain to the hike. The Kinsmans alone was going to be a 10 mile hike. One of my favorite hiking partners, Jeremy, had already hiked the Kinsmans twice the two previous weekends, but was willing to hike them again with me so that I could knock them off my list of the NH48. I always look forward to hiking with Jeremy because he teaches me new things about hiking and it's such a learning experience for me. One of my favorite things to say to him each time I gather a piece of his knowledge is "Well, I'm glad I learned that before I tried hiking solo ~ I might not have survived"! I say it all in fun, but it also reminds me of how much I still need to learn about the mountains and hiking before I attempt any solo hiking. I mean, I think I could go up and back down a mountain using the same trail, but too many junctions would still confuse me, I think. Our most recent hike two weeks ago on December 12, 2015 (Mt. Moosilauke) he taught me how to read a map. He taught me how to put a compass on it and find my direction. That is sort of important information to know! I was shocked that it was sort of common sense and that I hadn't already put two and two together. And it was super easy! But I also had never had to as I have always hiked with others who knew the trails and so I just followed. It was also really exciting to me to have learned that on that day! I am like a kid in a candy store whenever I learn an important piece of trail knowledge. I did a bit of practice after that hike with my maps and planning my hike for Christmas Day. Not only do I look forward to what I am going to learn about hiking and trails and some history of the mountains from Jeremy, I look forward to the 2 hour drive it takes me to get to the mountains (I'm much faster when I'm super stoked to hike). I've discovered that for me, it's like a free pass to drive away from my reality, from my responsibilities, from my life as it is when I'm not in the mountains and to be somewhere where none of that matters. I expected the same mindless ride on Christmas morning, cranking out my favorite tunes from my iPod and praying for no speeding tickets. It started out that way for sure! My alarm went off at 4AM, I hit snooze a few times, texted Jeremy that I'd be later than expected, I got dressed, threw my gear in the car and headed out ~ un-showered, uncombed hair, last nights make up from an impromptu Christmas Eve sushi dinner with a friend. Hiker trash at its best! I felt AH~mazing! I stopped for coffee and gas and not 2 minutes after getting on the highway I found myself choking on the lump in my throat and holding back tears. I missed my kids. I've hiked many weekends without them, but today was different. It was Christmas Day. And I wasn't with them. I wasn't even "celebrating". I was driving away from it, to hide in the mountains until it was over. A place where I could turn my cell phone off and not continuously receive "Merry Christmas" texts from friends and family. I didn't want them. I just wanted to hike....and forget. This happened several times during my drive. At one point I felt guilt, but I'm not sure why. I couldn't change the circumstances of not seeing or being with my children. Why shouldn't I do something with the day for myself? That's one of the more valuable reasons I like hiking with Jeremy. I am just a lone girl in the woods for the day. he allows me to just be that. he always follows never leads. He gives me the reins and we just hike, my way. And he is there when I want to talk. We never talk about things back home, never the serious stuff. We never discuss life's wrongs or shit jobs or what we think sucks and could or should be better. We talk about mountains and hiking and that moment that we are in right there. We talk about what we've hiked for mountains and trails so far, what we want to hike next and in the future. We dream about long trail hiking. We spend countless steps, miles and hours laughing at ourselves or at one another. We mostly laugh at me. And it's a gentle relief to not be poked and prodded about what's in my head and what's in my heart. He pokes fun of me for my trail lingo when I don't know something. Anyone who knows me knows that I come up with my own creative descriptions and names for things that I do not recognize or know, and even some things that I do know, but prefer my own fun descriptions. I give out nicknames to people at random ALL of the time. Some of you may even have one! I have lots of trail lingo that only Jeremy is familiar with because we hike so much together. It's funny he remembers it, too! He now understands that the divits/diggings in rocks are "bear claws" to me. Because that is what they make me think of when I see them. And the "bog bridges" to him and probably every other more experienced hiker are "boardwalks" to me, because for some reason they remind me of ocean boardwalks at the beach. And sometimes my thoughts take me there when I walk over them. It's another place I like to be for peace, at the beach. Bog Bridge or Board Walk? I remember the moon on my way up North that morning. I believe it is called the "Full Cold Moon" and it appears on Christmas every 29.5 years. I was able to witness it less than 3 hours after it peaked at 3:11 a.m. Lucky me! It was so big and orange and looked like it took over half of the sky and kissed the mountain tops. I remember at Exit 25 I thought I could reach out and touch it. Had I thought a picture would have done it justice I would have pulled over. But we all know seeing it in person is the only true way to absorb beauty at that magnitude. Just like the views from mountain summits. You can take a gazillion gorgeous pictures, but nothing compares to seeing it with your own eyes. Exit 25 was the last time I had to tell myself this day was for ME. I convinced myself it was the last time I was going to feel sad about not being with my kids. I was not going to allow those thoughts to creep in my head for the rest of the day since there was nothing I could do to change the circumstances. I was going to make this day and this hike matter. Because I matter, too. I met Jeremy at the trailhead parking lot just after 7AM (just over 90 minutes, I guess I was excited to hike) and we were on trail at 7:30AM. I layered up just a bit (we didn't need much as the unusual weather called for 50's that day) and I even remembered the last time we hiked that he told me I should never wear the same socks and boots I plan to hike it because my feet sweat on the drive up and this will make them cold. So I changed out of my "driving" footwear. By now we had already decided not to include Cannon Mountain in our hike as I had hit snooze on my alarm one too many times and we were a bit behind schedule. We weren't convinced it was a good idea anyway, as hiking all 3 peaks in a single hike isn't normally done, and it isn't done the way we were hiking the trails today. And off we went! We made it to the Lonesome Lake Hut in an hour. This was good time for me and I felt good. about making that time. Little did I know the work was just about to begin! I have a Hut Passport, which I foolishly left at home. The staff at the hut was still gracious enough to give me my stamp on a visitor's card that I can put in my passport book. I am still what I call, a "tourist" hiker. I want the memories so I take a million pictures hoping for a few nice ones and I have the passports and maps as more memorabilia. I have even started collecting the Guides and maps for the long trails I dream of doing. Mostly out of curiosity about the trails and terrain, but inside I hope to hike at least one of them in my lifetime. We met some very nice people at the hut. One woman even complimented my boots. To me this was a huge deal because I researched winter hiking boots by myself and before purchasing them I reached out to a few people for their opinions and I got an A+ for my selection. Not bad for a newby hiker! Lonesome Lake  I called this guy the "Lonesome Creeper" After our short stay at the hut we headed for the summit of North Kinsman. We made pretty good time getting there, but I struggled some with the wooden steps, ladders, "bear claws" and steeper sections of the Fishing Jimmy Trail (I get so excited when I step foot on a trail that is part of the AT!). Not to mention all the photo opportunities I took along the way! I got a bit carried away with some dorky poses, but I was having such an amazing day, I just wanted to memorialize it in the same giddy, childlike way I was feeling inside. We met a very nice couple that we stopped and spoke to for quite a few minutes. Jeremy showed me the shelter along the way and I got to see my first "bear box". In the shelter we read a few entries from AT hikers in the log book. One mentioned missing McDonald's, another mentioned he saw a bear while camping in the shelter back in July. I could have sat there all day reading the entries, what amazing history in those notebooks. Shelter We continued onto North Kinsman. We took the opportunity to go down the herd path for an "extra" view and more pictures. We again bumped into the couple we had met earlier and took them down with us as they had no idea it was even there (nor did I). They were practically standing on top of the beginning of the path. Again, something Jeremy had the knowledge of! Views from the herd path   At this point it was becoming clear that the day was getting away from us a bit. Too much goofing off and fun, I guess. It was 12:30PM and we still had .9 miles to get to South Kinsman. The other couple opted not to continue on with us and turned around to get back down before dark. I struggled for a minute or two trying to decide what my plan was going to be. We discussed the chance that if we continued to South Kinsman that we would, more likely than not, coming down the last mile or more back to our cars in the dark. This made me a little uneasy as the Fishing Jimmy Trail was tough on me on the way up in the daylight and I had no practice with my headlamp at night yet. I wasn't crazy about having to do both of these things in the dark! I did the math in my head about how much time it was going to take to get to South Kinsman and back to at least the hut. I thought if I could do at least that the worst of the trail was done and it was only a little over 1 mile from the hut to the parking lot. I threw caution to the wind and decided that was all doable and we were going for it! South Kinsman here we come! Just about immediately after my decision to go to South Kinsman I mentioned how much faster we could be without our packs on. We decided to throw mine in the bushes and Jeremy would keep his. Just in case we needed food, water or an emergency occurred. We took off and booked it down, up rather, the trail. "I can't believe I am running on a trail", I yelled. I swore I'd never be a trail runner, not even for a brief minute. And here we were laughing hysterically at me running and all of the other things I said I would never do that I find myself doing. I had made adamant statements in the past about NEVER being a winter hiker, NEVER running on a trail, NEVER hiking any of the T25 trails. And guess what, I turned around and purchased ALL of my winter gear in one week and I've hiked 2 of the T25 trails so far! And now here I am running down a trail! Jeremy swears the T25 list will be something I complete. I am still unsure on that one! I have a serious fear of heights and I just don't see me doing most of those trails. Along the way we kept thinking .9 can't be this long, where is the summit? I think I screamed "FUUUUCK" at least 10 times at every corner that looked like the final bend before the summit! Somehow we still made it in 28 minutes. It was a miracle! #17 off my NH48 list! I was grinning from ear to ear. We stayed roughly 4 minutes for pictures and to take in the view. But knew we had to book it back down to beat the dark. We made it back to North Kinsman at 1:30PM. One hour round trip to South Kinsman back to North Kinsman was a win in my book! We grabbed my pack out of the woods and headed back to the hut. I was on cloud nine. It felt like a lottery win for me. I didn't quit on myself. And that felt amazing. And Jeremy was there to support my decision to grab South Kinsman. I gauged my time and made an appropriate call based on my abilities and what I was willing to do should we have to hike down in darkness. It was not a bad decision, it was an ADVENTUROUS decision. One I will NEVER regret or forget! We headed back down as fast as we could without injuring ourselves. More so for my sanity than his. WE even made it to the parking lot just as the sun set at 4:15PM. No headlamps needed today! I ended up with just a few typical "hiker injuries" (splinters and bruises). Surprisingly, on Christmas Day there were a few places open for the traditional burger and beer hiking celebration. It's really the best part about descending a mountain. You get to reminisce about the days events, the mishaps, the cool views, just the entire adventure itself. We also get to laugh some more. And most importantly, we get to start talking about what we are hiking next and when! A few hours later, as I begin my 2 hour drive back home I get to silently reflect on my day and my hike. I look forward to this ride home every time. it's my "quiet time". This is also another one of those times where I hold back tears. Happy tears. I think I have cried on every return trip home or at least held back tears. I reflect on how nervous I was to begin the hike. This is something I do every hike. The unknowing of the trail, the terrain, can I do it....it can all be overwhelming. I reflect on why I hike. I reflect on specific things that happened that I conquered or laughed so hard about that I wanted to pee my pants. I just take it all in on the ride home. I feel a little more self satisfied, confident, HAPPY after every hike. That is why I hike. It's the one and only time the entire day is just FOR ME and ABOUT ME... and I didn't let the fact that it was Christmas Day ruin that, I embraced it and made it MY day! Not only did I get to give myself a Christmas present on Christmas Day, but it's gift I get to give myself every single time I hike a mountain. And I continue to do it as often as I can! Find YOUR gift to yourself and make it a regular occurrence. We all owe it to ourselves. It can only make you love yourself and remind you that YOU are deserving of presents, too, even the ones you give yourself. Caren on a Cairn